I’ve been having a problem with Twitter, and as we move closer and closer to the next Presidential election, I think it’s only going to get worse.
Back in the early days of the blogosphere, online relationships were easy: I would have advised any new blogger to develop a thick skin, because if they got big enough to have readers they didn’t personally know, then they would attract not just readers who disagreed with them, but who did so rudely. That’s okay, in my opinion. Part of the joy and the beauty of the internet is that people can feel free to express their true selves with little to no accountability. What the internet age has revealed is simply what many have suspected for years: The majority of people, deep down in their innermost being, are raging assholes.
Again, I say: That’s okay. We humans have developed filters and other coping mechanisms and strategies for dealing with the general level of assholery present in daily life. We tend to associate only with those who fall into our general vicinity on the asshole scale. For example, I tend to value friendships with people who aren’t bigots,* racists,* homophobes,* or stupid. (Somewhat redundant, I know, but I’m getting to a point here.) I value people who are kind and generous, even if they aren’t the most articulate or “book-smart” people in the world. I value people who are wicked intelligent, so long as they are open-minded about sometimes being wrong. I value people who have a quick wit, a glib tongue, a biting sense of humor, so long as they wield it responsibly. I value people whose opinions on issues, even those I hold most dear to my heart, differ from my own, so long as they understand and believe that people can disagree with them without being stupid, ignorant, racist, bigoted, uninformed, homophobic, knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing trogolodytes of suspect origins.
Which brings me to Twitter. Recall that I started out talking about the Olden Days of the internet – days when my “imaginary friends” who read & interacted on my blog were mostly people I didn’t know IRL and would almost certainly never meet. I said I was fine with people being shockingly rude in those interactions because it’s a feature of the online anonymity.
But what to do about Twitter? The fact is, almost everyone I follow is in St. Louis. The vast majority of them are people who I have actually met in person, or who are friends once removed – friends of a friend of mine. I follow a small number of people because I make a habit of actually reading, digesting, and remembering what they’re saying on Twitter – otherwise, why follow them? I interact with these people regularly, online and at social functions like Yelp Supper Club or social media events.
Normal social etiquette, I think, dictates certain behavioral norms when interacting face-to-face with people who are friends with your friends, and who are in your circle of acquaintances such that you expect to run into them over and over again as you go about your social life. I personally think those norms carry over into the Twitter realm, because we’re talking about the same people. The fact that I’m speaking to them, and listening to them, from behind a keyboard and computer screen sometimes, and sometimes face-to-face, doesn’t change my real-life connection to them. I would in fact argue that on the scale of acquaintances, the ones with whom I regularly interact on Twitter – who I follow and who follow me – are closer acquaintances than, for instance, the lady in Accounting at work who I speak to maybe once a month at happy hour. Accounting lady doesn’t know any of my other, close friends; she doesn’t know who I’ve been hanging out with or what my interests are, the way that my Tweeps do. But if that gal expressed an opinion with which I disagreed, I would – as per normal social etiquette, just nod and change the subject. If her opinion were flat-out crap – like something racist – I might deliver a pithy contradiction that indicated my displeasure with her unreasonable bias, and then change the subject or walk away. But under no circumstances would I suddenly call her a name or tell her she’s stupid. It’s just not done.
So why is it okay to do that on Twitter?
Mean people suck. Even on Twitter.
I can’t help but think that it isn’t okay. It’s never okay to call people names when what you mean is that you disagree with an opinion they’ve expressed. That one opinion, after all, doesn’t define that person. Maybe you agree with them on 87 out of 100 issues, and enjoy their company and their taste in movies, too. But people seem to feel completely free to say terrible, dismissive things on Twitter when they would never say them as a part of the identical conversation if it occurred while we were all standing around at some social media function – which we frequently do!
So I have two questions. First, why? Why do you (if you do) feel comfortable insulting people – people you know in actual meatspace, people who are friends with your friends or people that you see & will continue to see regularly as a part of your social engagement – on Twitter in a way that you wouldn’t do in person? Or is it only that people who do this on Twitter really would do the same thing in person? Is this the general “coarsening of the culture” (or, in political terms, “polarization of opinion”) that we keep hearing denounced? (And usually by the same people who engage in this practice!)
My second question, and what really prompted me to write this post, is – What should I do about Twitter? My guidelines on “following” people have thus far been:
- Follow people I find interesting, funny, or thoughtful, but with whom I have no geographic connection.
- Follow local people who are part of the group of social media/urban activists in which I am beginning to move, and many of whom I have met.
- Follow local leaders with whom I must engage carefully, because of professional reasons.
- Follow a few funny feeds.
- Follow a few feeds for information and/or deals.
Further guidelines regarding Group 2 – I try to show up to their events, or at least help promote what they’re trying to promote, with the expectation & understanding that they do the same w/in our little community. I try to meet in person as many of them as I can, so as to further strengthen our bond (and because they’re funny and cool people with whom I share many interests and/or mutual friends). I make it a point to regularly interact with them.
Obviously, my problem is only a dilemma regarding group 2, because I’m not just “following” them but actively engaging them, online and off. Anyone else, I can either just shrug it off or unfollow. (Let’s not get into the question of people I want to engage to gain support for my employer.) But these group 2 people are being woven into the fabric of my social life. Is it too much to ask that they not call me names when we disagree? If I “unfollow” them, they’re still going to be there at these events & functions; they’re still going to be interacting with the people with whom I interact on Twitter and in my life.
This comes up over and over again, especially in the realm of politics. I know so many people who seem to think that anyone who disagrees with their political opinions must do so only because they are evil/stupid/bigoted/whatever. But these people don’t seem to realize that they associate with a great number of people who disagree with them all the time, on this issue or that issue, and are still reasonably decent people. I guess I just wish people were generally more thoughtful and tolerant, even when they disagree passionately.
Look, I know this isn’t a real problem. The answer is, unfollow people you don’t want to follow and don’t interact with them, online or off. Really, I just want to express my frustration that otherwise seemingly-intelligent, fun, friendly people are in reality close-minded and intolerant, people who can’t understand that thoughtful, principled disagreements are possible and that Twitter isn’t really the place for thoughtful discussion of just about anything.
Or am I the one who is in the wrong here, and I should just carry on cultivating relationships with people who insult and demean others, including people they’ve met and (presumably pleasantly) associated with in real life, because that’s just what people do on the internet?
*I do pride myself on the fact that I do not define these terms generally to mean “People who disagree with me,” but in fact limit their use to actual bigots, racists, and homophobes – for instance, many of my relatives.
**I don’t have any opinion on the Mayor, never having met him; but I’m actually surprised at how much I enjoy his Twitter feed. I separate these two thoughts because I’m pretty sure that’s not actually the Mayor tweeting, even the ones with “#fgs” in them.
